An Adventure on Blood Island
by chill13
Summary: It has only been a short time since Charles Darwin was invited to join the Pirate Captain's band of misfits and the Captain thinks it's time he was introduced to the paradise of all pirates: Blood Island. But things quickly go downhill when Charles is accused of being a landlubber. Through a series of piratical events he has to prove that he is a pirate or end up shark bait!
1. Rough Weather Ahead

**1. An Adventure With a Pirate**

_Thunk!_

The boy ignored the sound and continued writing. While is right hand expertly maneuvered the expensive feather pen his left absently fingered the bright red scarf that draped around his neck. His grandmother sent him one every year. She worried about the cold sea wind giving him a chill.

_Thunk!_

A frown creased his forehead as he stared down at the paper, trying to keep his train of thought on the tracks.

_Thunk! Clack! _

He heaved a sigh that was half exasperation half resignation as he rose from the oak desk. Pushing aside the lace curtains he opened the window and poked his head outside. "Will you stop? Mother will hear you!". He hissed as loud as he dared.

One story below, right in the center of the flower bed stood a boy with red curls and a bright toothy grin. He dropped the large rock he had been about to throw. "You're mother's deaf as a stump," he called back with an unconcerned wave, not bothering to lower his voice. "And before you ask that penguin that answers your front door is out of the way too. Now come on! There's adventure to be had!"

The boy with the scarf sighed, sincerely disappointed. "I can't. I'm studying." He still kept his voice low. The son of a colonel in His Majesty's Navy was hardly allowed to fraternize with the mongrel boy of a sailor and a barmaid. Even if that boy was his cousin. If his parents ever discovered this friendship their reaction would certainly not be one of understanding.

"Oh, studying too much will make you're head explode." The redheaded young man said with just a hint of annoyance. "Besides..." His smile widened and his voice took on a conspiritory tone as he held up a large shovel. "Will studying ever make you rich beyond your wildest dreams?"

The boy with the scarf's eyes widened a bit. His family was already fairly wealthy and was among the upper middle class of the small port town. So it wasn't the prospect of wealth that made his spine tingle. His friend's words crackled with the promise of adventure. As always he couldn't resist. He glanced once over his shoulder before climbing out of the window.

The boy with the scarf nervously eyed the sign as they passed it. It read: 'NO TRUSPASIN' in red, dripping letters that easily could have been painted in blood. Underneath a skull and crossbones clearly announced the consequences of anyone foolish enough to disregard the warning. "Are you sure this is a good idea? They say he shoots at anyone who invades his land. I heard he even chased Doc Morgan away with a cutlass!"

"This is a _marvelous _idea." The redhead marched confidently ahead without even a glance at the sign. "And of course he shoots at people. He doesn't want them to find his treasure."

"What are we going to do if he catches us?" It wasn't that the boy with the scarf was skittish. In fact he had a calm courage beyond his nine years. But unlike his friend he was cautious and the questions he was asking were perfectly logical ones.

"He won't catch us." Said the redheaded boy as he tripped over a tree root and fell flat on his face. He bounded back to his feet and continued on as if nothing had happened. "The secret is stealth. But on the off chance that he does catch us we'll just use a simple combination of common reasoning and psychology. We'll just tell him that we know about his treasure and as he is an old man, who at the age of fifty is likely to die soon anyway, we would be happy to take that old treasure chest off his hands so he won't have to bother with it in his will."

It sounded like a rather dubious escape plan to the boy with the scarf. But at least it was a plan. "So how did you find out about this treasure, Captain?"

"I was in the tavern." The boy lived with his mother in a small room above the local drinking establishment. So he spent much of his time helping serve drinks and listening to the gossip, fish stories and tall tales told by the patrons. It was also the place where, as a very headstrong toddler, he had earned the nickname 'Captain'. "And I heard from a very reliable source that old Red Roy used to be a pirate!"

"Really?" Asked the boy with the scarf. He wasn't quite sure if any tavern goer could be called a 'reliable source'. The small harbor town was a relatively quiet place and its inhabitants mostly fishermen and sea loving gentry. And the harbor rarely got anything larger than the local fishing skiffs. So if this fellow was indeed a terror of the seven seas he was the most exciting person they had in their little village.

"Yep. And as a pirate he obviously has treasure. The whole idea of being a pirate is the treasure, you know. Well, that and not having to wash behind your ears. Pirate's mothers never tell them to wash behind their ears." He brushed some foliage aside as they continued through the wooded area.

"So how are we supposed to find this treasure?" The boy with the scarf tugged at the leather bag that hung over his shoulder as it became caught on a passing bush. Hopefully that bag would be filled with loot by the end of the day.

The Captain gave his friend a suspicious look as if wondering if he were really that stupid. But he quickly shrugged it off. "I suppose you wouldn't know anything about pirates with your head filled with all that useless book learning. You're going to have to do some emptying in there if you want to make room for important things. It would be difficult. Learning things can be heard, but unlearning them is as easy as falling off a pier."

The scarf-wearing boy frowned just a bit but didn't let the remark offend him. Instead he tried to keep his friend on topic—a very difficult thing to do at times. "Um…so how are we going to find this treasure again?"

"Everybody knows pirates hide their treasure under X's. Generally big read ones, unless the pirate in question's favorite color is green. Then it would probably be a green X." The redheaded boy prided himself on his knowledge of all things nautical. And pirates were the most nautical things he could think of, aside from anchors. Those were particularly nautical as well. The boy with the scarf wasn't exactly up on seafaring ways himself but he often wondered how accurate his friend's knowledge actually was.

"Okay." The boy with the scarf nodded, filing that information into his mind. "Look for a red X."

"Or a green one. Or any color for that matter. Well, perhaps not pink. Only a lady pirate would hide treasure under a pink. X. And old Red Roy is certainly not a lady pirate."

Just ahead the woods gave way and the two boys stopped gazing out at the clearing. The tall, unkept grass spanned from the tree line to an abrupt drop off and beyond sparkled the blue ocean. Right at the edge of the cliff, looking as if it were about to crumble into the sea was an old, lopsided pile of wood that if you squinted hard might pass for a small cabin.

The boy with the scarf quirked one side of his mouth skeptically. "If he has treasure why would he live there?"

The Captain stared at the old place, his hazel eyes sparkling. "It's just a front, you see. Devilishly clever. I'll bet he's got a mansion underneath it somewhere!"

The boy with the scarf smiled a bit. "I'm sure you're right, Captain." He seriously doubted there was anything under that shack but dirt. But it felt kind of cruel to say so when the Captain was so excited over the idea.

"Now, do you see any promising X's? Remember they're tricky little things and like to play hide and seek."

The boy with the scarf surveyed the area, looking for anything that might mark buried treasure. He didn't see anything.

"Ah! There it is!" The Captain strolled out into the open with no qualms about being seen.

The boy with the scarf slunk behind him. "Shouldn't we make sure he's not home first?"

"Look at the place!" He waved a hand toward the dilapidated building. "Why would he be up here peeking out of windows in that old wreck when he's got a whole mansion down there." His hand lowered a bit, pointing to the ground beneath the cabin.

"I suppose you're right." They younger boy said, sounding far less than sure.

"Of course I'm right. And here's where we'll dig." The Captain reached his destination and motioned proudly to the ground where two branches crossed each other, sitting conspicuously in the grass. It did indeed look like an X. The bark on the limbs even had a reddish hue.

The Captain shoved both hands on his hips and gave the boy with the scarf a pointed look. "Well, don't just stand there like a slice of toast! Get to digging!"

The boy with the scarf smiled a bit as he stabbed the shovel into the dirt. The 'Captain's nickname suited him perfectly. He was never really rude about it but he had no qualms about bossing others around. He was a leader. That was for sure.

The boy with the scarf had only been digging a few moments when the Captain rolled his eyes and snatched the shovel away. "You wealthy school types really don't know how to do anything useful do you?"

The boy with the scarf frowned just a little. But he couldn't really argue. This was the first time he had ever used a shovel and he might very well have been doing it wrong. The truth was he was so thin and so light he hardly had any leverage to push the shovel blade.

The Captain demonstrated the proper procedure, using his foot to push the blade into the thick soil. "You really need to learn how to dig properly." He insisted. "You just never know when you'll need a good hole."

The scarf-wearing boy watched closely and listened as his friend listed all the virtues of a decent shovel.

There was a rustle from behind and a shadow fell over them. The Captain was too busy digging to notice but the boy with the scarf whipped around with a gasp to see a giant of a man blocking out the sun before a huge meaty hand grabbed him around the waist, squeezing all the air from his lungs so quickly he couldn't even shout a warning. The Captain gasped and dropped his shovel as he was lifted off his feet, a giant hook where the man's hand should be piercing the collar of his red coat. The Captain struggled for a moment, dangling in midair, while the boy with the scarf kicked and squirmed with all his might.

The mans voice was like thunder. "What'er you two lubbers doin' digging up my land?!"

The Captain stopped struggling and tried to twist around to see the mountain that was holding him aloft. "We…We heard you needed an outhouse out here and thought we'd save you the trouble of digging the hole."

The pirate roared with laughter as loud as the waves in a storm. He clearly wasn't buying it. If they didn't get away he'd probably toss them both over that cliff over there. Struggling wasn't working so the boy with the scarf tried the next thing on the list. He bit down as hard as he could on the tan, hairy hand that gripped him. The pirate let out a lions roar and with a flick of his oak-like wrist sent the offender flying. The boy with the scarf tumbled through the air, collided head first with the nearest tree and crumpled bonelessly to the ground. The last thing he heard was a piercing shriek of "No!" from the Captain before everything went dark.

_Poke._

"He's not waking up. You've gone and broke him!"

_Poke._

"Let him be. He'll be alright."

_Poke._

"You better be able to fix him. You can't replace a best friend, you know."

_Poke._

"Quit pokin' him, lad!"

The boy with the scarf awoke to a headache and the sensation of being stabbed in the chest with someone's finger. He blinked his eyes open to find a very blurry redheaded figure hovering over him.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

The boy with the scarf blinked a few more times, his vision becoming gradually clearer. "Um…three?"

The Captain looked at the fingers he was holding up, counted them himself and then grinned triumphantly. "Right!"

"Ye alright lad?"

The scarf-wearing boy sat up straight when he saw the huge mountain-of-a-man sitting near the end of the cot. His skin was tanned and weathered and a gigantic curly, chocolate-brown beard spanned from his face to halfway down his chest. A dangerous-looking hook, polished till it sparkled, topped the end of his right arm where his hand should be. Seemingly to balance it out his left leg ended just above the knee, replaced by a long wooden peg.

"Sorry, fer tossin' ye, boy. But ye startled me." He held up his hand and there was a clear red mark where the boy had bitten him.

The boy with the scarf crinkled his nose a bit. The taste of hairy, sweaty pirate still lingered in his mouth. "_I_ startled _you_?"

"Don't judge me, boy. I don't fancy folks on me property. I was just tryin' to scare ye off."

"Because you're hiding a treasure, if I'm not mistaken?" Asked the Captain, not the least bit intimidated by the man that was likely ten times his size.

The big man squinted one eye dangerously. "And what makes ye say that?"

"You're a pirate." The Captain said matter-of-factly. "All pirates have treasure. Don't tell me you didn't know that. What kind of treasure do you have, by the way? I'm particularly fond of rubies. They're red, aren't they? Red is my favorite color."

Old Red Roy chuckled. "By Neptune's knickers, every pirate _should_ have treasure. And I've had plenty of treasure in me time."

The boy with the scarf relaxed a little. With a smile, even though it was missing a few teeth, the man didn't seem quite as dangerous as he had before. "But you haven't any now?" He ventured to ask.

"You two lads want a ham sandwich?" He bustled over to the one counter that made up his kitchen and pulled a huge, shiny cutlass out of nowhere and with two massive 'chops' that nearly split the counter in two he parted a couple of slices from a side of ham. Moments later he came back, handing each of the boys a plate. He sat down on the room's one chair and wiped the mustard from his saber.

"Thank you." The boy with the scarf said.

The Captain took a huge bite and tried to speak around his food. "So what's it like being a pirate?"

And he told them. He spun tales of the sea and the wind. Of ships, grand ships that crossed the oceans to places no man has ever seen. He told of islands and treasure maps and caves filled with mountains of gold. There were stories of sea battles, some won, some lost. He must have spoke for hours with the two boys hanging on his every word. The Captain's young face glowed, his eyes sparkling with these tales of adventure.

Soon it was time to go home. But they returned to the old cabin every time they got the chance to hear more. And every time old Red Roy would have some new piratical tip. "Every pirate needs a good nickname to strike fear in his enemies." And "ham is a pirates best friend" and "Take care of your beard, lad. His beard is a pirate's pride and joy."

Although the old pirate insisted he didn't like trespassers he always seemed delighted when the two boys came to visit.

One day, after hearing a particularly exciting story from their pirate friend the two boys were walking home, side by side.

The Captain stopped in his tracks, his brows lowered in thoughtful determination. "You know. When I grow up, and I'm nearly there you know, I'm going to be a pirate! Why, I'll be the best pirate captain to ever sail the seven seas! There are seven of them aren't there? I'll have my own boat and my own crew. And by Neptune I'll have treasure too! Lots of that. And cannons! Every good pirate ship has cannons." He turned to the younger boy as something brilliant seemed to strike him. "And _you_ can be my first mate! Every pirate captain needs a first mate, you know."

The boy with the scarf smiled. "Where would we sail first, Captain?"

**_This is the first in a series of short stories about the Captain and Scarf's early friendship. _**


	2. The Barnacle's Face

The gangplank hit the dock with a solid 'thunk' and the pirates eagerly filed off the ship with Darwin taking the rear. He now sported an eyepatch and a hefty belt both of which he thoroughly despised. For one he was particularly fond of the use of both eyes and secondly the size of his belt buckle made it nearly impossible to bend over without impaling his stomach. How did pirates live like this?

The Pirate Captain strutted down the boardwalk as if he owned the place, winking and 'how-de-do'ing' everyone they happened to pass. A few pirates waved back but most either rolled their eyes or ignored him. He scarcely noticed. He was much too busy being proud of himself and pointing out his wanted posters.

While the Captain pranced at the front of their little band Charles straggled a bit behind as he took in the new surroundings. The place seemed to be a cross between a pirate themed carnival and a strip mall…or at least that's what he would have thought had there been strip malls in the 1830's. One shop after another along the boardwalk advertised everything a pirate could possibly want: buckle polishing, artificial limbs, used parrots, explosives and of course all things even remotely nautical. A few had holes in their signs as if they had been hit by cannon fire at one time. High above and behind the buildings turned a creaky Farris wheel that looked as if it had been thrown together from old ship parts.

Charles nearly jumped out of his skin as a window from one of the shops exploded outward sending shattered glass and a very irate pirate skidding across the boardwalk. The pirate stopped rolling at Charles feet. The rough, overly tattooed man shook a hook and hollered several choice nautical insults at the proprietor who in turn pulled out a pistol and shot the pirate's hat clean off his head.

"Oy! That's my favorite hat!" With that the pirate whipped out his cutlass and headed back toward the shop.

Charles scurried quickly away, not wanting to know the outcome of that little skirmish. But no sooner had he taken two steps than a huge, muscular pirate came roaring out of an alley with a smaller pirate held high above his head. With a great heave he tossed the smaller man splashing into the bay.

The big man dusted off his ape-like hands, clearly satisfied. "That's the last time he'll say _my_ mama wears army boots!"

"That's right Sonny." Said the burly woman with two peg legs.

With a shudder Charles hurried to catch up with the crew then realized with a start that they were nowhere to be seen. He turned a frantic circle in the center of the boardwalk. There were pirates everywhere! Pirates with artificial limbs, eyes patches and wooden teeth, pirates fighting, singing or just lounging on the beach. There were pirates on ships, in the ringing or on the sails, there were pirates with parrots swords and garbage pails.

But none of them were _his_ pirates! Where could they possibly have gone in the few seconds he hadn't been paying attention. He was just about to start the preliminary stages of panic when the Albino Pirate poked his head out of a dingy looking pub called 'the Barnicle's Face'.

"What are you waiting for?" Albino asked with an expansive wave, beckoning him inside.

The place was dark, rowdy and smelled of cheap spirits.

"Over here,Chuck!" The Pirate Captain called from the table by the giant stuffed octopus.

"Pardon me...um...terribly sorry." Darwin gingerly navigated through through the crowd of piratical patrons, trying to ignore some of the funny looks he received as he meekly excused himself. Someone's peg leg suddenly appeared in his path and down he went, face first into the floorboards.

"What's the matter, lubber? Leave your sea legs at home?"

Charles stood, dusted himself off and brusquely straightened his over-shoulder bag trying to ignore the raucous laughter. It was like being in school all over again. He took the empty seat between the Pirate with the Scarf and the Albino Pirate.

"Watch where you step, Chuck." The Captain said cheerily. "The floors are uneven."

"Mm." Charles frowned noncommittally.

The Pirate with a Scarf gave an apologetic shrug.

The Captain flagged down a barmaid.

"What'll ye 'ave, mates?"

Charles raised a finger. "Tea with just a spot of...OW!" A saltshaker bounced off his face. He rubbed his left cheek and glared in the Pirate Captain's direction where he was certain the projectile had come from.

The Captain completely ignored him. "Grog all around." He said with a toothy smile.

The barmaid gave Darwin a suspicious glance before heading off with their order.

"Don't embarrass me, Charles." The Captain said once she had gone.

Darwin shrugged. "I'm really not that fond of grog."

There was a gasp around the table and a few heads turned in adjacent tables. The Pirate with the Scarf clamped a hand over Darwin's mouth and the Captain threw the pepper at him.

"Good old Chuck, always making jokes!" The Captain said loud enough for the whole bar to hear.

Darwin slapped Number Two's hand away.

Quietly the Captain added. "I know you've got a big mouth, Chuck. But _really_, man! Use some common sense!"

"I'm sorry." Darwin blinked a couple times looking more bewildered than apologetic.

The Pirate Captain seemed to forget him entirely as a few pirates came in and waved at him.

"Nice poster, Captain!" One shouted, pointing to the 'wanted' poster near the bar wall that announced a 100,000 doubloon reward for the Pirate Captain's capture.

The Pirate Captain waved the compliment away in a pretense of humility. "Oh, it's just a hundred thousand doubloons. Nothing at all! They did capture my smile quite well I think."

The Pirate gave a nod and went back to ordering.

"Wow, Captain!" The Albino Pirate exclaimed. "People in here actually talk to you now!"

"Ye've earned their respect, Cap'n!" The Pirate with Gout added with a cock-sure fist.

The Pirate Captain twirled his moustache feeling quite important. "I-I have, haven't I?"

The door to the tavern swung open and the tavern hushed a bit as everyone paused what they were doing to watch a red-clad woman with a giant sword at her back saunter confidently into the room.

Charles jaw dropped to the table, both shocked and amazed at what he saw. "Who's _that_?"

"Cutlass Liz." Number Two whispered back.

"She's wanted in five of the seven seas!" The Pirate with a Hook where his hand should be said.

"She's one of the most famous pirates _ever_!" Said the Pirate with Gout.

"Aside from me, of course." The Captain added.

"B…but she's wearing _pants_!" The little scientist stammered, his cheeks flushing. Perhaps he should be averting his eyes.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate seemed to shrink a little in his chair.

Cutlass ordered a grog and leaned casually against the bar. She glanced in their direction and catching sight of the Pirate Captain she gave him a small nod of acknowledgement before turning her attention to her drink.

"Did you see that?" The Captain elbowed his first mate in the side (quite thankfully the one that wasn't injured). "You saw it didn't you, Number Two?"

"Congratulations, Captain." Number Two said with a smile. "Cutlass doesn't give out nods of acknowledgement lightly."

"Perhaps I should go talk to her." The Captain moved to get up.

"Mmm. Might be pushing your luck."

"A little forward? Perhaps you're right."

The barmaid returned with their grog. She slammed the cups on the table, sending foam sloshing.

Polly wandered about the table, sticking her beak into the occasional cup.

Darwin stared down at his cup and made a face. He had been drinking grog for nearly two months now and he was just about at the end of his rope. He had hoped, coming to shore in an actual…er…restaurant…sort of…he would be able to order _something_ different. A cup of tea, a glass of sherry, wine…._anything_ besides grog! But after what had just happened a few minutes ago he decided to keep his mouth shut and just drink the sludge.

"Ah! Bellamy!" The Pirate Captain waved furiously at a green-clad pirate with a black goatee. "What do you think of the poster?"

Bellamy raised an eyebrow and sauntered in the direction of their table. "And what poster might that be?"

The Pirate Captain looked a bit disappointed. "My wanted poster."

"Oooh. _That_ poster!" Bellamy gave a sarcastic slap to his forehead. "You mean the one that looks nothing like you."

The Pirate Captain frowned a bit and pulled a copy of the paper from inside his coat. He squinted at it. "What are you talking about? That looks just like me."

Bellamy gave a cocky grin. "Your nose is way bigger than that."

The Pirate Captain shrugged a bit, completely missing the insult. "Eh…perhaps your right. But 100,000 doubloons! Pretty impressive, eh? Not many pirates are wanted for 100,000 doubloons!"

Bellamy nodded casually. "Yeah, no one ever thought you'd be worth half that much. That's really a ridiculous amount of dough for stealing one lousy parrot, though."

The Pirate Captain blinked. He had expected a little respect. Not more insults.

The Pirate with the Scarf leaned close to Darwin. "How much you are wanted for is a big deal here." He whispered. "It's rather like winning your science show."

Now that was something Darwin understood. "_Actually_,"

Everyone turned to look at him, somewhat surprised that he was entering this conversation.

Darwin was pleased he had managed to get their attention. "The Captain not only stole Polly back but he also sunk Queen Victoria's flagship, a vessel about ten times larger than his own, with nothing but vinegar and baking soda."

Bellamy stared at Charles as if he were a glob of seaweed that had stuck to his boot than turned back to the Pirate Captain. "Well, you better watch your back, Pirate Captain. Guys with a price like that on them don't live very long." With that he stalked off toward the bar.

"Well," The Pirate Captain watched him go, clearly disappointed. "That was uncalled for."

The Pirate with the Scarf put a hand on his shoulder. "He's jealous, Captain."

The Captain looked startled for a moment and then a huge smile burst across his face. "He _was_n't he!?" He had never had another pirate captain be jealous of him before. It felt rather good.

"Did you see the way he kept clenching his fists?" The Pirate With Gout added.

"I think Charles, here, helped with that." Number Two gave Darwin a smile that seemed the equivalent of a pat on the shoulder.

The Captain nodded. "Good thinking, that vinegar and baking soda, bit. Ooh!" Something across the pub caught his eye, completely diverting his attention. "The board's open. You lads up for a game of darts?"


	3. Landlubber!

The dart game had started alright, although Darwin's hand-eye had much to be desired and more of his darts ended up in the wall or the floor than the dart board. But he had called it quits when the pirates decided it would be fun to throw darts at each _other_. Now he sat at their table, content to be relatively alone for the moment. Now that his friends weren't watching he removed his eye patch and belt. With a wince he rubbed his midsection where he was sure he had a permanent red mark from that belt buckle. He stuffed both items into his leather satchel. Out of it he pulled his journal, a small inkwell and a pen.

He had only written a few words when a hand appeared on his book.

"Whacha writin' there little man?"

Darwin looked up and wasn't terribly surprised to find Black Bellamy leaning over him with a look of feigned curiosity. "Nothing someone with the mental capacity of an invertebrate would understand." He pushed Bellamy's hand off his book went back to writing. Darwin recognized Bellamy as nothing more than a schoolyard bully in a pirate hat and he wanted nothing to do with him.

"Is that so?" With one swift motion Bellamy snatched the book from under Darwin's nose.

"Hey!"

Bellamy grinned smugly and flipped through the weathered pages. "Let's see what we have here."

Darwin made a grab for his book but Bellamy simply moved it out of his reach. By now several pirates were watching and a couple were cheering Bellamy on.

"Hold on. Hold on." Bellamy placed a hand on Darwin's forehead keeping the little scientist at arms length. "Hey guys, get a load of this! 'I have discovered a new type of barnacle'. Dude this thing is really a page turner."

The spectators laughed as Darwin strained against the pirate's hand, trying desperately to reach his journal. "That is _extremely_ private property!"

Bellamy cocked both his head and an eyebrow. "Yeah, pirates aren't exactly known for respecting other people's property." He glanced at the book again. "Wait! Wait! Wait! It gets better! 'I'll never get a girlfriend. I'm so unhappy.'. You got that right, little man!"

The pub roared with laughter.

Darwin's cheeks turned a deep shade of red and he redoubled his efforts but was still unable to get past Bellamy's hand. "Give it back!"

"Alright. Alright. Chill." But instead of handing the book to Darwin he hollered across the bar. "Hey, Cutlass! Heads up!" He tossed the book across the room and then gave the little scientist a smug grin. "Fetch."

Cutlass Liz easily caught it with one hand. She examined it for a second then with a smile held it out.

With a relieved sigh Darwin hurried across the room, deftly dodging a few attempts to trip him. "Thank you Miss." But just as he reached for it she snatched it back and with a sinister laugh tossed it over his head right back Bellamy. On Bellamy's next throw Darwin made a jump for his book but it was out of his reach. The game of monkey in the middle went on for a couple minutes with some pirates cheering for Bellamy and Cutlass and others booing, whistling and throwing things at Darwin until the little scientist was positively fuming.

"I can't believe I'm dealing with grown people here!" He grunted as he made another grab for his journal as it sailed over his head. "Of all the childish, crude, immature...

_BANG!_

Darwin screamed and jumped as a hole appeared in the floor an inch from his foot.

Bellamy puffed the smoke off his pistol. "There's no need for name calling."

Darwin threw both hands out as his voice rose to a high pitched squeak. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Any annoyance he had a moment ago had been replaced by complete panic.

"Aw. He's sorry. Should we accept his apology?"

There was a unanimous chorus of: "Noooooooo!"

Bellamy gave a nonchalant shrug. "Tough luck."

Darwin yelped as another couple gunshots splintered a chair just to his left and shattered a glass to his right. He wanted to run but he was hemmed in by pirates and bar room furniture. "Can't we d-discuss this...um...calmly over a cup of-"

Bellamy answered by taking a couple shots at the ceiling, snapping a rope and sending a decorative fishing net down onto Darwin. He threw his head back and let out a hearty laugh as the little scientist struggled with the rope.

With a great deal of frantic grunting Darwin managed to get himself untangled. As he pulled the last bit of netting off his head he looked up and froze. He found himself staring directly down the barrel of Bellamy's pistol. It was aimed directly between his eyes.

The pirate smiled and shrugged. "I'm not really big on discussing things either." There was a 'click' as he pulled the hammer into place.

Darwin closed his eyes and waited. But instead of the explosion of weapons fire a voice rang out.

"That's enough, Bellamy!"

The pub sighed with a disappointed: "Awwww."

Charles opened one eye and found himself no longer staring down Bellamy's pistol. The back of a navy jacket now took up most of his vision.

The Pirate with the Scarf now stood between Bellamy and Charles, his feet planted firmly on the floor and and the expression on his face meant business.

Bellamy lowered his weapon, placed a hand on his hip and fixed the younger pirate with a glare of annoyed boredom. "Dude. You're ruining the fun."

"Leave him alone." The first mate warned, his voice leaving no room for argument.

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "Aw, come on. What's the harm in a little target practice? That _is_ what you brought the little lubber for, right? Squid bait?"

"Actually..." The Pirate Captain strolled up as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on and he simply wanted to join the conversation. "He's part of my crew."

Bellamy raised an incredulous eyebrow. "You _can't _be serious."

The Captain lifted his head proudly. "In fact I am."

The Pirate with the Scarf nodded.

Bellamy stepped up to Darwin, his dark eyes narrowing. The pirate's moustache curled up in a sneer only inches from the little scientist's nose. "I'll bet he can't even say 'arr'."

Darwin gulped audibly, feeling his collar tighten under such intense scrutiny.

"Oh, hogwash!" The Pirate Captain threw a friendly arm around Charles shoulders. "Of course he can. Show him, Chuck."

Charles showed his teeth in what was meant to be a smile but ended up looking like he had indigestion. "Um...arr?"

The whole tavern exploded with knee-slapping, table-pounding, side-splitting rowdy laughter. A couple pirates fell out of their chairs and lay on the floor holding their sides and giggling like hyenas.

The Pirate Captain's crew just shuffled their feet, looking thoroughly embarrassed. That was possibly the worst 'arr' in the entire history of piracy.

Bellamy leaned on a table so he wouldn't collapse as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Dude!" He cried between gasps. "Either he's got lubbermitosis or you've recruited a kitten!"

The Captain scoffed, waving Bellamy's insult away with a downward sweep of both hands. "Oh, he was just warming up." With that he brought the heel of his boot down solidly onto Darwin's toes.

"Aaaaaarrrgh!" The little scientist reared back, grabbed his foot and began hopping in circles. After a couple rotations he calmed down and gave the Captain a glare that could have burned through a cannonball.

The Pirate Captain didn't even notice. He simply smiled proudly at Bellamy, very pleased with how clever he was. "You see? Now wasn't that good?"

Bellamy clearly wasn't falling for it. "Really?"

But the Captain went on completely confident that he could pull this off. "Not only can this little fellow roar like nobody's business but he's also deadly with a cutlass."

"Is that so?" Cutlass Liz crossed her arms looking as unconvinced as Bellamy.

"Had a bit of a scuffle with Number Two, here, a few weeks ago. Ran the poor fellow through."

Number Two and Darwin swapped a confused look before staring at the Captain as if his beard was turning into a squid.

"Go on." The Captain tapped his first mate in the ribs causing the young man to flinch slightly. "Show him the scar."

The Pirate with the Scarf rolled his eyes and gave a resigned sigh as he pulled up his shirt and jacket to reveal a four inch long red line just under his ribs. Showing off scars was a common pastime among pirates and making up grand tales about them was expected. But this was just ridiculous. In a manner of speaking Darwin _had _cut him open so in a sense that was true. But the Captain had omitted several key bits of the story. Like the part where Charles was trying to cut a bullet out of his side before he bled to death.

"Quite a battle it was too!" The Captain went on.

"I thought he got that scar because-mmph!." The Albino Pirate said somewhere behind them just before the Pirate with Gout clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Just how dumb do you think we are, Captain?" Bellamy threw a hand in Darwin's direction. "You couldn't pass him off as a pirate if he had a wooden leg and a Jolly Roger tattooed to his face!"

"Hmm." The Pirate Captain stroked his beard and gave Darwin a thoughtful frown.

The Pirate with the Scarf knew exactly what was going through his friend's mind. "No, Captain."

The Captain gave an innocent shrug. "What?"

"The point is, Pirate Captain..." Cutlass ambled over from the bar circling Darwin like a shapely shark. She leaned close to him and casually pulled her sword from it's scabbard. "You've brought a land lubber to Blood Island and you know that's against the rules."

Darwin could feel his pulse pounding in his ears as perspiration beaded on his forehead. He wasn't sure if it was from the deadly weapon that was held inches from his throat or the fact that he had never been this close to a woman before.

"Oh, don't be absurd, Cutlass." With one finger the Captain pushed her sword away from Darwin. "I would never dream of such a thing. He may _look_ like a complete pansy but-"

"Listen, Captain." Bellamy interrupted. "We've been in the business a long time and we know a pirate when we see one. And that..." He stabbed a hand in Darwin's direction. "is as far from a pirate as a sea cucumber is to Big Ben."

"Why don't you feed him to the sharks now and be done with it?" Cutlass suggested.

"What?" Charles squeaked.

"Now, now." The Captain said, placing a hand on the panicking scientist's shoulder. "Let's not be hasty. Just because he doesn't look like a pirate or sound like a pirate or act like a pirate doesn't mean he's not a pirate."

The Pirate with the Scarf brought his hand to the bridge of his nose. The Captain's persuasion skills had much to be desired.

Darwin glanced up at the first mate completely bewildered. He kind of understood the Captain wanting to make him look tough in front of these pirates. If they thought he was one of them they would probably leave him alone. But there seemed to be much more to it than that. "I don't understand." He whispered.

The Pirate with the Scarf bent close to him. "Blood Island has a strict 'pirates only' policy."

Darwin didn't like the worried tone in the first mate's voice. "What happens if you're not?"

The Pirate with Gout leaned in to the conversation to whisper. "Peter and Wendy get a good meal."

"P-Peter and Wendy?"

"The sharks." The Albino Pirate explained with a grin, clearly having no inkling of the seriousness of the conversation. "They're the islands mascots."

"Than why in the name of biscuits and tea did you bring _me _here!?" Darwin hissed as hostily as a whisper allowed.

Before the others could answer the Pirate Captain, still conversing with Cutlass and Bellamy, said: "Well, why don't we ask the Pirate King."

The entire tavern cheered in agreement

"Wait, what are we doing?". Darwin squawked. It seemed he had missed something important.

The Pirate King completely dominated the throne room, his booming voice and massive figure overpowering even the shimmering jewels that adorned a throne plundered from the Spanish main. "The Law was made with good reason!" He thundered to the room filled with the patrons from the Barnacle's Face and the Pirate Captain's crew.

Five figures stood before the big man's throne. Darwin fidgeted beside the Pirate Captain and the Pirate with the Scarf while Bellamy and Cutlass stood together, both looking quite proud of themselves.

"All pirates love a good fight but if we were to just allow anyone anyone here our location would slip out and we would have every Navy in the world here to blow us off the face of the globe!" The Pirate King shouted.

The crowd cheered in agreement.

"The problem seems to be whether this..." He pointed one gigantic, bejeweled finger at Darwin. "...is a pirate."

Darwin flinched a little, both at the violent gesture and the Pirate King's eardrum shattering voice.

"The only way to solve this is to have a TEST!" The Pirate King threw both hands into the air as if he were making the most profound and important proclamation of the decade.

The pirates seemed to agree with that assessment for the room exploded into raucous applause.

"A test?" Squeaked Darwin, certain that this was going to be a very bad thing.

"A test?" The Pirate with a Scarf frowned. The idea didn't sound good to him either.

"A PIRACY test!" The King bellowed.

The Pirate Captain strolled merrily back to his ship with his crew trailing behind in various stages of worry. Darwin walked beside him, having a sweating, hyperventilating fit.

"But Captain! I _can't!" _He shouted.

"Of course you can. There are only five simple tests." He ticked them off on his fingers. "Cutlass agility, ham eating, cannon sharpshooting, shanty singing and mast climbing. "

Darwin's reply was thankfully unintelligible.

The Pirate with the Scarf placed a hand on his panicking friend's shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile that said _let me try._

Darwin let out a distressed sigh and fell back with the rest of the group as Scarf walked ahead with the Captain.

"Captain, do you remember that talk we had?"

"The one about attaching cannons to the sails or that excessively boring one about certain death?"

"Captain, you're going to get Darwin killed and us banned from Blood Island forever."

The Captain waved an unconcerned hand. "You worry too much."

"You know he can't pass those tests!"

The Captain gave his first mate a sly grin and a wink. "Not without our help."


	4. Broomsticks and Weevils

Charles was pacing. The pirates watched as he walked back and forth across the forcastle deck. They seemed somewhat entertained by his panicked ranting and hyperventilating.

"What was he thinking?" Charles wrung his hands, speaking mostly to to himself. "I'm not a pirate! I never claimed to be a pirate! I can't fire a cannon! I can't climb a mast! I can't even tie a knot! You guys know that!" He threw a pleading hand toward the rest of the crew.

"You can swab the deck alright." The Albino Pirate offered helpfully.

Darwin let out a frustrated groan that ended in a despairing whimper.

The forecastle door burst open and the Pirate Captain breezed in with the first mate trailing quietly behind him.

Darwin looked up hopefully. The two of them had been in the Captain's cabin since they had returned to the ship. Maybe, just maybe, the Pirate with the Scarf had been able to talk some sense into the Captain. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to convince him of the facts. The facts that said Darwin was as good as shark bait if he took those tests tomorrow. His hopes were dashed the moment the Captain opened his mouth.

"Well, Chuck, You ready to show these fellows what's what?" He asked with a grin and a 'way-to-go' fist.

Charles mouth dropped open. "Captain you—you can't be _serious_!" He looked desperately over to the Pirate with the Scarf who shrugged apologetically. "I can't take those tests!"

"Oh, _pha!_ Of course you can. And you're going to pass."

"_Pass?_" Charles shouted, becoming more upset by the second. "I don't even qualify for the _entry_! That Cutlass lass was right. Why don't you just throw me to the sharks now and be done with it?!"

"Now, Chuck, there's no need to be over dramatic about it."

"Oooh." Charles voice reeked of sarcasm. "I'm sorry! I do tend to be a little dramatic when I'm about to _die!_"

"You're not going to die. Well, I'm certain you will some day. But not tomorrow in any case. I have a plan!"

"Ooh! I love it when you have a plan!" Albino Pirate clapped his hands in anticipation. The rest of the crew seemed to share his enthusiasm at this announcement.

"What is it?" The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate asked, practically bouncing up and down.

The Captain was thoroughly enjoying this reaction. "All in good time. But I must say with this wily brain of mine I've devised the perfect pirate plan. The most ingenious pirate plan since pirate plans began!"

"Captain," The Pirate with the Scarf didn't look as if he liked the Captain's words very much. "If you have a plan we really need to know about it."

The Pirate Captain looked just a little annoyed. "Don't be nosy Number Two. Besides, I want it to be a surprise."

"Why do we have to have a plan at all?" Darwin asked, not sure why they were even having this insane conversation. "Why can't we jut _leave_?"

"No chance of that I'm afraid." The Captain said as he pulled a biscuit from his pocket and fed it to Polly.

The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate hopped down from where he had been sitting on his bunk. "You've been labeled a landlubber."

"Exactly." The Captain waved a finger as he explained. "And if we try to leave with you onboard we would be sunk before we left the harbor."

"Ooh." Charles leaned against the table and dropped his face into his hands. There was no way out. He was a dead man.

The Captain threw an arm around his shoulders. "Don't look so unhappy, Chuck. Tomorrow you'll be the greatest pirate that ever plucked a parrot." With a quick pat to Charles back he headed toward the hatch. "You lads sleep tight. I've got some more planning to do." And with a smug grin he was gone.

"Everything will be alright." The Pirate with the Scarf put a hand on Darwin's shoulder and forced an optimistic smile. "I mean the Captain _does_ have a plan."

Blood Island's town square was packed. The news of Charles test had spread quickly and it seemed that every pirate from the Carribian to the Spanish main had come to see the show. Someone had erected a stand of bleachers on each side of the square turning it into a makeshift arena. The seats were overflowing. There were pirates everywhere! Some in the stands, some milling about in the streets, some crowding in the rooftops of the surrounding buildings. There was a general air of anticipation with plenty of roaring and the occasional random weapons fire. Several pirates mingled among the crowds selling everything from popcorn and ham to pennants that said 'lose the lubbers'.

"This is some turn out!" The Pirate with Gout admired the crowd of spectators from where the Pirate Captain, his crew and Charles waited near one of the shops that surrounded the square.

"You see, Chuck? They've all come to see you." The Captain said cheerfully.

Darwin took a look at the rough crowd who were shouting and throwing things. He shrank closer to the Captain. "They've come to see me fed to the sharks." Charles knew his history and he was getting distinct vibes of Rome and the Coliseum.

"Place your bets!" A pirate in a plaid jacket and a bowler that had seen better days strolled by shouting at the top of his voice and occasionally stopping to collect money from someone.

The Captain flagged him down. "I say, what are the odds?"

"One to twenty."

"Ooo." The Pirate Captain nodded his head in approval.

"Odds?" Darwin scrunched his nose looking to the crew for an explanation. "Odds for what?"

"Weather you'll survive the first five minutes." The bookie pirate said cheerfully, chewing on a cigar stub.

Darwin was afraid to ask but he just couldn't help himself. "Um…in who's favor?"

He looked Charles up and down and shook his head. "Not yours." He gave the little scientist a pat on the chest with the back of his grubby hand. "Don't let 'em down, kid." With that he continued on his way, quickly disappearing into the crowd.

Darwin watched him go, a sense of dread settling heavily in his stomach.

"Don't listen to him." The Pirate with the Scarf placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm…sure you'll do fine." He managed to pull an encouraging smile.

"Sure!" The Pirate with Gout elbowed Charles in the ribs. "I'd give ye two to three easy."

"Besides!" The Albino Pirate added with a cheerful smile. "The Captain has a plan."

The Pirate with the Scarf gave the Captain a meaningful stare. "Yes. And now would be a splendid time to tell us that plan."

The Captain gave them a cryptic grin. "All in good time." Then he banned any further conversation on the subject by turning away to fawn over Polly who sat contentedly on his shoulder.

Across the square on a raised platform a band began to play a rousing shanty. The level of noise and horseplay lowered somewhat but didn't quiet entirely as a pirate with a bullhorn stepped onto the center of the stage. "Pirates, buccaneers and scurvy rogues!" His voice echoed over the cheering of the crowd. "Put your hands together for the PIRATE KING!" He swept a charismatic hand toward the massive hovering shell that lowered itself to the raised deck. The unusual transport slowly cracked open and the massive, sequined ruler of Blood Island leaped out with a roar that shook the bleachers.

Cheers, whistles and hat waving erupted from the stands.

"WELCOME PIRATES!" He boomed in a voice so loud that it knocked several spectators from their seats. "Are you ready for some action?"

The answer was deafening and unanimous. They were indeed ready for some excitement.

"Pirate Captain! Bring your contestant out!"

Darwin tried to make a run for it but the Captain grabbed him by the back of his collar and dragged the struggling scientist to the center of the square. Number Two followed close behind them looking seriously concerned. It was almost time to begin and they still had no definite plan of action.

The Captain pulled a panicking Darwin up beside him, keeping a firm hold on him so he couldn't escape.

Charles stopped struggling and began to hyperventilate. He glanced back at the crew who stood on the edge of the crowd. They smiled and waved. The Pirate with Gout gave him a thumbs up. This wasn't possible. Why were they doing this to him? Was it some kind of punishment for betraying them and stealing Polly? Feign forgiveness and friendship, lull him into a false sense of security, then humiliate him and have him thrown to the sharks? Deep down he knew that wasn't the case but he couldn't keep it from crossing his mind. After all he _was_ about to die and his shipmates seemed perfectly content to watch.

The Pirate King swept one gigantic hand toward Darwin. "Today we will see if this lad deserves the honor of being called a pirate! Is he a genuine terror of the high seas or a landlubber that's only good for shark bait?"

It was quite clear what the audience thought he was. Darwin shrank a little closer to the Captain as the crowd jeered, booed, laughed and threw things in his general direction. A horseshoe clanged at his feet and a rotten tomato caught him full in the side of the head. The Captain's grip on his shoulder tightened. He wasn't sure if it was a protective gesture or simply to keep him from escaping.

"This evaluation will consist of five tests. When he fails more than one our sharks will have a new friend. The first test will be with cutlasses!" The Pirate King thundered. "To pass he must battle these ten pirates for five minutes…" A group of pirates filed out into the open square. They sized from a tiny fellow about half Darwin's size to a burly black-bearded pirate the size of a gorilla. Every one of them looked as if they chewed nails for breakfast and kicked puppies for fun. Each held an extremely sharp-looking weapon. "…without dying."

"Ten!" Charles squawked. "How can that possibly be fair?"

"Whoever told you pirates were fair was probably speaking of our looks and not our ideals." The Captain whispered. "But don't worry, Chuck." He gave Charles a wink. Aloud he said. "Pirate King!" He raised a hand to get the big man's attention. "Before we start I have a devilishly clever suggestion."

The Pirate King crossed his arms impatiently. "And that is?"

"Well, as Chuck here is an absolute whiz with a cutlass and these poor fellows don't stand a chance against him…"

Charles stared at the Captain as if he had gone completely mad and Number Two frowned curiously, certain this was the unraveling of 'the Plan'.

"…I propose we toss the cutlasses and substitute broomsticks. No use losing ten perfectly good pirates, you know." The Captain pulled a broomstick cut to the length of a cutlass from his beard and brandished it about in demonstration.

There was a lot of booing this idea. It was clear the audience wanted bloodshed.

"Hmm. ". The Pirate King nodded thoughtfully. "Sporting of you to give your opponents the edge. Very well! A broomstick against cutlasses ought to even the odds!"

"Wait!" The Captain held up a hand. "That's not exactly what I had in mind!" But it was too late the Pirate King had already made the announcement and wasn't about to change.

Black Bellamy, sitting in the front row of the bleachers, was laughing so hard he nearly fell off the bench.

"_That's _your plan?!" Number Two couldn't help but shout.

"Well, that wasn't _precisely_ how it was supposed to go." The Captain admitted with a shrug. "I was rather hoping the other fellows would be using broomsticks as well. Ah, well, no use crying over spilt grog. Hold out your hand, Chuck." He pulled something pink and squishy from his pocket and without waiting for Charles's consent he grabbed his wrist and shoved a very used piece of bubble gum into his hand.

"Ugh!" Completely disgusted Darwin tried to pull away but the Captain kept a firm grip on his wrist as he slapped the broomstick into his hand right over top of the gum. The gum was the perfect adhesive, it stuck the wooden pole to Charles hand with the tenacity of an angry crab.

The Pirate King held up a giant hand, calling for the immidate attention of the audience. A drum roll vibrated over the square punctuating the significance of the burly pirate's words. "The test will begin in _FIVE!" _

The line of ten pirates put on their scariest faces, most of which would make babies cry, and readied their weapons.

"This can't be happening. This can't be happening." Charles mumbled, certain his knocking knees would give out on him. His heart was pounding so hard he was certain the whole of Blood Island could hear it thundering in his chest.

"_FOUR!"_ The audience began to count with him.

"Captain!" Number Two cried. "Your plan failed. We need to stop this! Darwin hasn't got a chance!"

"_THREE!"_

"Come on, Number Two, don't get your rigging in a tangle." The Pirate Captain reached into his pocket and pulled out a small matchbox.

_"TWO!"_

"Goodbye." Darwin whispered, sounding as if he were about to cry. "It was nice knowing you...most of the time."

_"ONE!"_

In one swift motion the Captain pulled back Darwin's collar, opened the matchbox and dumped several weevils down the back of his shirt. "Good luck, lad." He patted him on the back and gave him a hard shove toward the center of the square.

"_GO!"_

The Pirate with the Scarf watched in horror as the row of bloodthirsty pirates bore down on the little scientist like a herd of stampeding cattle. If the Captain wasn't going to stop this he would. He started forward, reaching for his cutlass but was yanked back by the scarf.

"Hold on, lad." The Captain ordered. "Sit back and watch the show."

Number Two was about to say something harsh when he saw just exactly what show the Captain meant. It was the last thing he had expected under such circumstances. Darwin was…dancing? He was jumping around in circles, his arms flailing wildly, looking as if he were some wild native stomping around a fire, either that or an old lady trying to kill a fly with a broomstick. His screaming was mostly unintelligible but some of it sounded rather like: "Get them out! Get them out!"

Charles had completely forgotten about the pirates. Oh, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew they were there. But things were crawling on him! Natural reflexes coupled with his knowledge of just how many insects and arachnids in the area were poisonous had him clawing frantically at the little things that were now in his sleeves, on his back and in his pants.

"Look out!" The Pirate with the Scarf shouted as the burly, black-bearded pirate charged at Darwin from behind.

_WHUMP!_ The broomstick, still attached to Darwin's hand swung back, mostly of its own accord, and caught the big man in the stomach. He went down with a crash, moaning like a sick cow. _THWACK! _Another smaller pirate flew backward, and dropped his cutlass, another fell to his knees, holding a bloody nose. It seemed Darwin's frantic spinning and floundering made him virtually invincible. A pirate couldn't get near him without catching that broomstick in an inconvenient place. Pirates flew through the air one after another landing in a pathetic, groaning heap on the edge of the square.

The crowd loved it. Where only moments before they had been jeering, the audience was now avidly cheering him on. The Pirate Captain and his crew were cheering the loudest.

"Keep going, Chuck! Only a couple more!" The Captain shouted.

"To your left! Look out! Behind you!" The Pirate with the Scarf couldn't help shouting assistance. He was just sure that someone was going to run a cutlass through Darwin's dubious defenses. Mr. Bobo was doing much the same but in pantomime.

"There you go, lad!" The Pirate with Gout pumped both fists as if he were fighting himself. "Give 'em a left!"

"Gooooo Darwin!" The Albino Pirate cried at the top of his young voice.

The Pirate with the Accordion played an Irish fighting tune.

"Time!" Shouted the pirate with the stopwatch. An alarm sounded announcing the end of the test.

Darwin staggered to a stop, panting from exertion as the last weevil crawled out of his sleeve. The crew quickly surrounded him.

"Are you alright?" Number Two asked.

"I-I think so." Charles wobbled a little on his feet.

"We knew you had it in you!" The Pirate with Gout ruffled Darwin's hair.

"Why didn't you tell us you could fight like that?" Asked the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate with hands on his ample hips.

"He was just waiting for the right time!" Said the Pirate who likes Sunsets and Kittens.

"You were amazing!" The Albino Pirate gaped at him with a look of complete wonder.

The Pirate King rose from his throne on the stage. "An impressive display!" He shouted. "I don't believe I've seen anything like that since Pegleg Pete battled that giant lobster!" His laugh shook a couple cobblestones loose. "Congratulations! You passed the first test!"

The crowd cheered some more.

"You see, lad?" The Captain gave Charles a friendly punch in the chin that nearly broke his jaw. "Didn't I tell you?"

Darwin rubbed his jaw, staring at both the Captain and the pile of semi-conscious pirates that groaned on the cobblestones. "What happened exactly?"

"You beat the pants off 'em. With just a little help from a certain luxuriantly-bearded pirate." The Pirate Captain polished his nails smugly and gave Darwin a little wink.

"I have to admit, Captain," Said the Pirate with the Scarf. "You had me really worried there for a minute."

Darwin was still staring at the mound of pirates who were now starting to get up and hobble out of the square. "_I_ did that?" He looked back to the broomstick and gum still stuck firmly to his hand.

"Certainly." The Captain said cheerily. "You just needed the right motivation."

One of the weevils—the one who had hidden in Charles' hair—decided perhaps it was safe to come out now and crawled out onto Darwin's face.

Needless to say Charles noticed this right away. "Aah!" He went to slap at it. Unfortunately he completely forgot about the temporary extension to his hand and whacked himself full in his ample forehead with a very solid wooden pole. He went down like a sack of dead fish.

The crew stared down at the now-unconscious scientist at their feet.

"Good thing that didn't happen three minutes ago." Number Two said.

The Captain nudged him with his boot. "Come on, Chuck. No lying down on the job. We've still got four more tests to win."


	5. Ham

First there was nothing but a vague throbbing. Some time later voices slowly faded into existence.

"That's some bruise."

"He's alright, isn't he?"

"He's fine. But I'll bet he'll have a whale of a headache."

"Let him take the next test in his sleep. I always eat better in my sleep."

"He's not waking up."

"Perhaps he needs a little incentive. Alright, Mr. Bobo. Let him have it."

_SPLOOSH!_

Darwin bolted upright gasping and sputtering, a cascade of cold water snapping him instantly awake. His first thought was that he had been thrown in with the sharks and he nearly started swimming. But as his conscious mind took a firm hold he realized he wasn't actually underwater but merely drenched, sitting in a puddle on the cobblestones looking very much like a drown rat. Mr. Bobo stood beside him with an empty bucket looking quite entertained, the rest of the pirate crew standing just behind him.

"Up you go, lad." The Captain grabbed Darwin's hand and yanked him to his feet.

"Oooh." Charles moaned just a little. He put a hand to his head and winced. It felt as if someone had beaned him with the main mast. A red line stretched from between his eyes to his hairline, neatly bisecting his forehead.

"I think his forehead is swelling." Remarked the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate.

Albino Pirate shook his head. "No. It always looks like that."

"So, Chuck," The Captain threw an arm around the little scientist's shoulder. "Ready for some ham?"

Charles blinked at him, still not completely cognizant. "Um…no. I'm not particularly hungry."

A few pirates in the surrounding crowd overheard and gasped in horror and indignation.

The Captain gave him a smart 'smack' in the back of the head. "Have you completely lost your barnacles?" The Captain hissed in Darwin's ear. "Don't go around refusing _ham!_" Then he turned to the crowd, patting Darwin on the top of the head. "Poor little fellow took quite a blow. Not himself yet, you know."

Darwin slapped the Captain's hand away, now quite conscious enough to be annoyed.

"Don't worry." The Albino Pirate said excitedly. "You'll love this next test!"

"W-what makes you think that?" Darwin was already getting nervous. The more he thought about these tests and what awaited him if he failed the more his stomach churned.

"You get to eat _ham!"_ The young man clapped his hands excitedly, clearly wishing it were him taking the test.

Darwin's face turned a little green. So that's what the Captain had meant. It was part of the next test. He placed a hand on his troubled midsection. He would lose this one for sure.

There was a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry." The Pirate with the Scarf smiled. The confidence in his voice was genuine this time. Darwin guessed he must have been let in on this particular plan. "We've got it covered."

"We've arranged some helpers for ye'." The Pirate with Gout added.

"Eat as much as you can until we come out with the distraction." Number Two continued quietly so the crowd around couldn't hear. "Then shove the rest under the table."

Charles frowned a little. "Won't they check under the table?" Most of these pirates weren't exactly the crème of intelligent life but surely they were smart enough to cover their bases.

"There won't be nothin' to find." The said the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate, his voice dripping with the glee of conspiracy.

Now Charles was even more confused. He wished they would come right out and tell him what they were going to do. He was about to ask just that when Black Bellamy's voice rose above the surrounding crowd. "Yo!"

Bellamy sauntered up to Darwin and Pirate Captain. Darwin stiffened but held his ground.

"Nice show, little man." He said with a nod of approval.

Darwin blinked. That hadn't been what he had expected from this man. "Um…what?"

"That bit with the broomstick." The black-mustached pirate hooked a thumb over his shoulder. "Don't think I've ever seen fighting like that."

Darwin swapped a suspicious glance with the first mate. "Er…thank you."

"Yep. Best cheating I've ever seen. I still can't figure how you managed it."

Charles took in a small breath and looked up at the Pirate Captain who seemed completely unconcerned by the accusation. The crew however shuffled their feet and shared nervous glances.

"Now, now, Bellamy." The Captain wagged a finger at him. "You know cheating is against the rules…in this test, anyway."

"Which is exactly why I'll be watching you." Bellamy gave both the Captain and Charles a long hard glare.

"Why, thank you." The Captain said with a cheery grin and a punch to Bellamy's arm. "Chuck, here is sure to give you a good show."

The goateed pirate narrowed his eyes and raised his voice for the surrounding pirates to hear. "Dude, are you going to get on with this thing or stand here playing tiddlywinks?"

The Pirate King rose from his throne on the stage. He too looked impatient. "Pirate Captain, is your contestant ready and sufficiently conscious?"

"Oh, yes." The Captain grabbed Charles arm and pulled him up to the table. "He was just taking a bit of a breather. Must do that every now and then, you know."

The Pirate King nodded as if only somewhat satisfied by that answer. "The second test will evaluate not only the contestant's appetite but also his love for ham!"

The crowd cheered, some screaming their love for ham at the top of their voices while others waved their 'ham! It's what's for dinner tonight!' pennants.

The Pirate King motioned one bejeweled hand to the picnic-like table that had been placed in the center of the square. Draped over and hanging clear down to touch the cobble-stoned street was long, once white, tablecloth that sported several mismatched patches. Sitting in the center was a plate piled high with four gigantic steaming hams. "Any pirate worth his belt buckle can eat at least four hams in one sitting."

There was a general murmur of agreement throughout the crowd.

Darwin's thick eyebrows rose as far up his forehead as they could possibly go. Just two of those hams were about as large as he was. There was no possible way he could eat _four_! He glanced worriedly over to the crew. The Pirate with the Scarf seemed to notice his distress and pointed downward mouthing the words 'remember—under the table'. Charles was still thoroughly confused about this plan of theirs. Surely as soon as the table was moved they would be found out. But he nodded anyway. Perhaps there was more to this plan than they had time to explain. He hoped so.

"And so," The Pirate King continued. "If this little fellow can down four hams within the allotted time he passes."

"If not we'll start popping the popcorn!" Someone from the crowd added. The comment was met with raucous laughter from the rest of the audience.

The Captain led Charles to the chair and sat him down at the table. The little scientist ventured a peek under the tablecloth and nearly fell out of his chair. Three pairs of eyes stared back at him, three shiny black noses twitched and three tongues lolled and drooled hungrily. He quickly dropped the tablecloth back in place, hoping no one else had seen the efficient disposal hidden under the table. Dogs. It was pretty brilliant actually, Charles thought in surprise. That is _if_ no one saw them and that there would be a sufficient amount of distraction for him to get the food from off the table to under it without being noticed. But considering the massive crowd that surrounded him and would be watching his every move that was a pretty big 'if'.

The Pirate King motioned to the pirate with the stopwatch who held it at the ready. "The test begins in _FIVE_!" The audience counted down with him.

The Captain pulled a large bib with 'I 3 ham' written on it and tied it around Charles neck.

"_FOUR!"_

Darwin readied himself by picking up the two utensils beside his plate and realized to his dismay that they were a butter knife and a spoon. He would have to eat with his hands.

"_THREE!"_

Bellamy and Cutlass glanced at each other briefly with the understanding that neither of them would take their eyes off Darwin for a second. If he cheated they would know.

"_TWO!"_

Mr. Bobo held up two notecards and gave Darwin an encouraging smile. _**Think. Hungry.**_

"_ONE!"_

Darwin picked up one of the bulging hunks of meat. Under such circumstances it was the most intimidating piece of food he had ever encountered.

"_GO!"_

And Charles instantly began stuffing his face, tearing off as big of bites as he could manage and swallowing scarcely before he had time to chew. His stomach was already a little queasy and he had to force each bit. This was absolutely barbaric!

Most of the crowd booed at his small bites but after his last victory there was a noticeable percentage that were cheering him on. The Pirate Captain and his crew were, of course, among them.

"Come on, Chuck!" The Captain shouted, honestly appalled at rate Charles was eating. "Eat like you mean it!"

"Aw. He's tryin', Captn'." Said the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate looking as if he felt a bit sorry for the little guy. "That's ten times better than he eats on the ship."

"Usually you can only get about half a sandwich down him at a time." The Pirate with Gout remarked. "We ought to threaten him to eat more often."

The Captain shook his head. "For heavens sake! _Polly _eats faster than that!"

The Albino Pirate was beginning to look a little concerned. "I think he's turning green."

The Pirate with the Scarf had taken note of just how ill their crewmate was looking as well. "Captain, perhaps now would be a good time."

The Captain nodded in agreement. "I'm right ahead of you, Number Two!"

Charles had nearly finished the first ham and already felt as if his stomach would either explode. It seemed as if he had been eating forever, one bite after another of the meat that…would…never…end. After this was all over—if he survived—he would never be able to look ham in the face again. And right now he wasn't certain he could physically take another bite without swooning. Just when he was about to drop the meat and surrender, death by sharks or no, his rescue came.

The Pirate Captain leaped onto the table and with an over-dramatic look of horror screamed: "Great Neptune's braided beard! It's Jack the Ripper battling a horrendous octopus!"

Everyone within a half-mile radius turned to look…including Darwin.

A commotion quickly grew through the crowd as a figure in a top hat and black cloak tumbled through the street, vigorously contending with—at Darwin' best guess—a huge tangle of rubber tubing. The fellow growled, roared and shouted nautical curses at the 'beast' as he rolled through the streets.

Even though he had been waiting for it it took Darwin half a second to realize that this was his cue, the distraction he had been waiting for. As quickly as he could he snatched the plate with the remaining hams and dumped them under the table where they were instantly gobbled out of existence. With one swift move he placed the plate back on the table…and froze.

Bellamy stood with both arms crossed and his narrowed eyes fixed directly on Darwin. The little scientist felt his pulse quicken and he started to sweat. With all the willpower he had he swallowed that last mouthful of ham with an audible 'gulp'. _Had he seen?_

A moment later an alarm sounded announcing the end of the test and the entire crowd turned their attention back to Darwin and the now-empty plates. A cheer erupted across the square. With a triumphant grin the Captain hopped down from the table and pulled Charles to his feet.

"Congradulations!" The Pirate King bellowed from the platform, his voice vibrating over the gleeful audience. "It seems you have passed the second test!"

Despite the lurching in his stomach Darwin smiled as the boat's crew gathered around to shake his hand.

"Hold on! Hold on!" Bellamy stepped onto the table, waving both hands. The crowd turned to hear him. "There's something fishy here! And I'm not talking about the bay."

"Bellamy, what is this?" The Pirate King raised a dubious eyebrow.

The goateed pirate hopped off the table. "Take a look at this!" With a flourish he ripped the tablecloth away.

Darwin gasped, certain they had been caught. But there was nothing to see. The only thing beneath the table was the cobblestone street and one lone hambone. Nobody noticed the Albino Pirate shooing three four-legged pirates with wagging tails off the square.

The Pirate King shoved both hands on his hips impatiently. "And…?"

Bellamy's dark eyebrows lowered dangerously, his hand tightening around the tablecloth. He shot the Pirate Captain a squinting glare that had daggers and explosives written all over it. But he shrugged it off as he turned to the Pirate King. "Just sayn' that this thing could really use a wash." He held up the tablecloth lamely.

Cutlass rolled her eyes and Bellamy shrugged. It was the best he could come up with on short notice.

The Pirate King chose to ignore them. "The next test will begin in ten minutes!" He announced and at once several pirates came out onto the square to remove the table and set up the equipment for the following trial.

"Marvelous job, Chuck." The Captain said proudly patting the young man on the back.

"Ye did fine!" The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate marched up wearing a black cloak and carrying a top hat under his arm.

Charles smiled weakly, still feeling as if his midsection was three times the size it should be.

The Captain nodded in agreement. "When this business is over we'll have a special ham nite to celebrate. What do you think of that?"

Charles turned a deeper shade of green, clamped a hand over his mouth and hurried off to shove his head into the nearest rain barrel.

"Perhaps we shouldn't mention ham for the next few days." Number Two suggested, wincing in sympathy as the little scientist threw up again.

"Nonsense, Number Two. Ham is the best medicine on four legs!"


	6. Sharpshooting

Cutlass Liz cocked a hip and gave Black Bellamy a serious look. "You're _sure_ he's cheating?"

"Well, _yeah!_" Both his black eyebrows raised in a 'no duh' expression. "Listen, babe, do you really think one little library lizard with a broomstick could wreck that much havoc on ten of our roughest pirates all by _himself_? I mean we _are_ talking about the same little nerd...you've seen him right?"

She glared for a moment, considering running him through for calling her 'babe'. Instead she said, "So what are we going to do about it?"

"We even the odds." He gave her a cocky grin and held up a large wrench.

"You're not going to throw up again, are you lad?" The Pirate Captain eyed Darwin suspiciously as if not quite sure what to make of him.

"No. No I'm alright now." Darwin swept a few loose strands of hair back in place, trying to pull himself together after the commotion of the last two tests. He and the crew stood in the fringes of the crowd near the line of buildings at the edge of the square. A hotdog selling pirate ambled by shouting his wares and the moment Darwin caught one sniff of the steaming meat he wrapped both arms around his stomach. Okay so maybe he wasn't as alright as he thought he was.

"Gee," The Albino Pirate stared at Charles with a mixture of concern and confusion. "I've never seen anyone get sick after eating _ham_ before."

"Nor I." Added the Pirate with Gout."

"It's just not natural." The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate shook his head as if completely ashamed of Darwin's behavior.

"Yep." Said the Pirate with the Accordion. "Ham's good for what ails ye."

"As beneficial as the properties of ham are..." Darwin rolled his eyes just a bit at the pirate's ridiculous obsession. "The amount of ham one consumes should not exceed the capacity of one's stomach."

The Pirate with the Scarf jumped in, defusing the conversation before it escalated into an argument or a full-blown brawl. Mr. Bobo dropped his popcorn, disappointed. "This next test should be easy." He managed to insert himself between Darwin and the rest of the crew who were clearly annoyed over his ham-insulting remarks. "All you have to do is light the cannon's fuse. That's all. We'll manage the rest."

Darwin looked from the first mate to the captain. He was still a little dubious of their plans but, despite all reason and logic, they had worked so far. But this time he didn't want to be in the dark. "So how exactly will this work?"

"It's a brilliant plan, actually." The Captain answered, not missing the opportunity to flaunt his genius. "You see while you're down here missing the target we'll have another cannon up there behind you—don't look. It's not there yet.—that will hit the bulls eye right on."

"So no matter where _you_ are aiming there will be a cannonball that hits the target." Number Two finished.

Darwin nodded. The principal was sound. But there was something that bothered him. "Are you sure no one will see you?"

"Naw." The Pirate with Gout waved the hand that wasn't holding his crutch. "We'll be behind Dr. Yanks dental barber shop." He hooked a thumb over his shoulder where on top of one of the shops was a huge sign that was a cutout of a grinning pirate with a fancy braided beard and a missing tooth. The hole for his tooth was just about the right size for a cannon barrel.

"Speaking of which," Number Two glanced at his wrist. "It's about time we head up there. It will take a bit to carry the cannon up those stairs."

Darwin nodded absently then suddenly frowned. "Wait…wait a moment." He grabbed the Pirate with the Scarf by the sleeve. "_You're _not going to carry any cannon up any stairs!"

Number Two patted the air with both hands. "Not so loud."

The little scientist did lower his voice but kept the scolding tone. "You can't go around lifting things with that side of yours. I don't want to stitch you up again. I nearly had heart failure doing it the first time." After Darwin had removed the bullet from the first mate's side the Captain had appointed him official ships doctor. And although he didn't particularly want the assignment he had been taking his job very seriously.

The Pirate with the Scarf smiled just a little. He was usually the one looking out for the crew, it was part of his job. To have this little biologist telling him what and what not to do and worrying over him all the time was both amusing and just a little tiresome. "I wasn't going to. Now quit fussing over me and worry about lighting that fuse." With that he, Mr. Bobo and the Pirate with a Hook for a hand hurried off toward one of the buildings and quickly disappeared into the crowd.

"Citizens of Blood Island!" The Pirate King's voice rumbled across the square demanding immediate attention and knocking several pirate's hats right off their heads.

Charles swallowed hard as the Pirate King announced that it was time for the third test.

"The object if the third test is to hit _that_ target."

Charles shaded his eyes and squinted into the distance where a bullseye had been painted onto a palm tree. He would have never seen it if he didn't know where it was.

The Pirate King motioned to the cannon that now stood in the center of the square. It stood on two large cart wheels and was much bigger than any of the cannons on the boat. "You may begin."

"Alright, Chuck, off you go." The Captain gave his newest crewmember a slight shove but then suddenly changed his mind and yanked him back by the collar. He looked down at Charles very seriously. "You _can_ light a fuse can't you?"

Charles raised one eyebrow. "Yes, Captain. I think I can manage that on my own."

"Good lad." The Captain patted Charles brusquely on the head. He pulled a small, silver lighter from his beard and slapped into the little scientist's hand. "Here you are. It's never failed me yet."

Charles nodded his thanks and headed for center of the square, willingly this time. He knew the plan now and so far things had worked out. Halfway to the cannon he realized something. The crowd was still noisy and ill mannered but it seemed that more of the pirates were now cheering than they were booing and only a few tomatoes were tossed in his direction. He smiled nervously and waved. Now that complete terror had waned a bit he had time to feel a little uncomfortable with being the center of attention.

That was when he noticed Black Bellamy in the front row of the bleachers. Bellamy was clapping too, a slow deliberate clap with an I-know-something-you-don't-know smile that made Darwin shudder. Cutlass Liz sat beside him looking board and confident. They both looked far too smug for his liking.

He swallowed hard but managed to concentrate on what he was supposed to be doing. He made a big show of evaluating the target and estimating the trajectory, holding a thumb up to gauge the distance. It took just a bit of effort, but he also shifted the cannon a bit as if he were lining it up with the mark.

"Good going, Chuck!" The Captain called from the sidelines.

"Don't forget to check the wind!" The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate suggested. He was quickly shouted down by the crowd for giving unfair advice.

With a quick glance at the dentist/barber shop sign behind him -he hoped the crew had the cannon set up by now—he flipped open the lighter. There was a roar and a burst of flame. He yelped and leaped back, reflexively flinging the lighter away from him.

The audience laughed and a few of them made chicken noises at him. This was positively the ficklest group Charles had ever encountered. Why, they were even worse than the attendents of the science fair!

"Sorry Chuck!" The Captain shouted. "Should have warned you. I had it souped up a bit. Doubles as a blowtorch, you know."

Charles grumbled a bit as he snatched the lighter off the ground and lit it, this time expecting the miniature explosion. He squinted, trying to keep himself as far behind the cannon as he dared with a finger in one ear and stretching his other arm out to light the fuse. The wick fizzled loudly as it caught, sparkling as it ate its way down. Charles backed up, closed his eyes and shoved both fingers in his ears. He didn't particularly like canons. They were so...loud.

But apparently this one wasn't. The crackling of the fuse flickered weakly and went out. When he didn't hear an explosion he opened one eye than the other then cautiously unplugged his ears. At this anticlamtic lull in the action the crowd very quickly grew restless and a bit hostile. If this little fellow couldn't even light a fuse properly surely he was the biggest land lubber in history! Darwin held up both hands in a shrug that was equal parts apology and bewilderment as random objects began flying in his direction again.

He hurried back to the cannon, dodging a flying hot dog as he went. He leaned a bit on the big gun to get a better look at the fuse. The moment he put his weight on the cannon the wheels slipped from the axle and the entire apparatus toppled over with a loud clatter taking Darwin down with it. Apparently there was some spark left as the cannon's fuse hissed back to life. A split second later it let out a roaring BOOM. The cannon and ball shot in opposite directions. With its stand and stopper in a crumpled heap the force of the explosion sent the metal cylinder shooting backwards with a screaming Charles still on top of it. The butt end of the cannon, being far heavier than the front, hit the cobblestones and came to an abrupt halt, bucking its reluctant rider violently off. Darwin careened backwards somersaulting so quickly it was impossible to tell which end of him was which. The pirates tried to scatter but Charles hit the Captain and crew and the lot of them toppled like bowling pins.

It took a bit for the crew to untangle themselves. The Pirate who likes Sunsets and Kittens pulled an accordion off his face and rolled off the top of the pile. Albino spit out bits of orange fuzz from the Curvy Pirate's beard while the Pirate with a Gout pulled his good foot from the Captain's beard. Polly scurried circles around the group, squawking and flapping her puny wings.

The Captain sat up as Albino rolled off of him. "Blast! Where in Neptune's nostril is my hat?" There was a muffled groan from beneath him and the Captain looked down to find himself sitting on a very squashed-looking Darwin.

"Mmmph hnnfff!"

"Pardon?" The Captain asked curiously, not bothering to move as he glanced about for his hat. "I can't hear you when you've got your nose to the pavement."

Charles managed to turn his head slightly so his mouth was free but both the right side of his face and his chest were still being ground into the cobblestones by the Captains back end. "Get off!" He managed to gasp with what little air was still left in his lungs.

"Oh." The Pirate Captain hopped up and dusted himself off, completely ignoring the thunderous laughter that shook the square. It seemed that Charles mishap was taken as high quality entertainment. "Thoughtful of you to break my fall like that, lad. But it really wasn't necessary."

Darwin clamped a hand to his chest and gulped for air. Being on the bottom of a pirate pile was certainly not something he had ever expected to experience. In fact being on any level of a pile of pirates was quite a novelty. And now that he knew what it was like he intended to put it on his list of things to avoid like the plague.

"Splendid job, Chuck!" The Captain picked up Polly who still seemed a bit rattled but she calmed down a bit as he placed her on his shoulder. "Although I think you went a little overboard with the theatrics. No need to overdo it you know."

"I'll keep that in mind." Darwin mumbled.

"How _did_ you manage to get the thing to crumble like that?"

"Yeah!" The Albino Pirate put in excitedly as if it were the most incredible thing he had ever witnessed. "I've never seen a cannon fall apart like that before!"

Darwin's dark eyebrows lowered and he leaned close with a conspiratory whisper. "I think it was tampered with."

The Captain's eyes narrowed. "You mean you think someone is cheating? Now what kind of scoundrel would go around rigging a contest?"

"You mean like we're doing?" The Albino Pirate asked innocently.

"Exactly!"

"I'm sure I know who-"

"What a unique display of marksmanship!" The Pirate King boomed, a laugh still in his deep voice.

Darwin and the crew turned to face the stage as the ruler of Blood Island spoke.

"Very entertaining!" The King went on. "Do you always fire your cannons like that?"

"O-only on special occasions." Darwin answered, pulling a smile and fidgeting a little.

"Amazingly it appears you have passed this test as well!" The massive man waved a hand toward where the target used to be. The palm tree was blasted clean in half, a jagged stump was all that remained. The target board lay in red and white splintered pieces on the ground.

Charles let out a small laugh. "That was nothing! W-would you believe I sunk a ship from a mile away?"

The Pirate King cocked an eyebrow as if he wasn't quite sure if he ought to be impressed or skeptical. "I find that hard to believe."

Darwin realized he had over done it a bit and his smile became even more nervous. "Would you believe half…half a mile?"

"I don't think so."

"Well, I-I dropped a cannonball through the ship's dory." He shrugged, hoping it would be taken as a joke.

It was. The Pirate King put a hand to his ample stomach and roared with laughter.

Number Two, the Pirate with a Hook for a hand and Mr. Bobo pushed through the crowd and joined the crew. All three of them were looking particularly proud of themselves. They waved at Darwin. Mr. Bobo gave him a wink and held up two cards: _**Nice…Shooting.**_

Black Bellamy threw a hand toward the huge gaping hole in the side of Maynard G's Meat Emporium. The wood was recently splintered and dust still hung in the air. On the floor just inside, amid scattered sausages and hamburger patties was a cannonball. No one had noticed that there had been two explosions almost simultaneously; one sent a cannonball conspicuously into the bullseye. But the other ball had gone unnoticed in the commotion and it had ended up here. "There's proof. They are totally cheating!"

Cutlass Liz cocked an eyebrow as she surveyed the damaged shop. "I take it you have a plan."

"It's time to play dirty."


	7. Blood Island's Got Talent

The Blood Island square had been transformed yet again. The remains of the cannon had been removed and a square wooden platform had been built, raised perhaps two or three feet off the cobblestones. Just in front of this stage sat a long table with three seats and three red buttons attached to a series of ropes and pulleys. These extended to a tall wooden framework directly behind the platform.

Darwin and the crew stood on the fringes of the crowd, waiting for the Pirate King to return from a bathroom break.

"Okay, so what's the plan this time?" Charles asked, his voice a conspiritory whisper. Honestly he was rather getting into the intrigue of it all. And so far the Captain's plans had been, if not exactly brilliant, at least successful.

"No plan." The Captain replied airily as he stroked Polly.

Charles blinked in surprise. "Pardon?" The Captain always had a plan. The crew looked a little bewildered as well.

"You don't need one." The Captain explained. "Not for shanty singing you won't."

"Oh, aye!" The Pirate with Gout punched Charles in the arm. "Ye've got the best voice on the boat!"

"Aside from mine, of course." The Captain added.

"Well, I…I _did_ take choir in school." Darwin smiled, looking as if he couldn't decide if he should be proud or embarrassed by the praise.

"You see? You've got a handle on this one." He grinned down at the little scientist with what seemed to be a hint of pride. "Now, you've been with us long enough. I know you've picked up several rousing shanties. Pick a good one, lad."

Charles frowned in thought, tapping his chin with one finger. "Perhaps that one about the mermaids."

The Captain shook his head. "No not that one. You always blush when you get to the chorus. Pirates don't blush."

Darwin felt his cheeks flush and he fiddled with his tie. "I'd rather forgotten about that part."

"There's always that cheery one about putting your right foot in." The Captain suggested.

"That one's good." Said the Pirate who likes Sunsets and Kittens. "But 'It Smells Like Dead Fish' has more of a beat to it."

"It's My Ham Night and I'll Cry If I Want Too!" Suggested the Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate enthusiastically.

"Or 'Blowing Up the Dock of the Bay'." Said the Pirate with a Hook for a Hand.

"Nah!" The Pirate with Gout shook his head and waved a hand. "Go fer an old standby. Try 'Back in the Crows Nest Again' and ye'll win for sure."

"I kind of like the one that goes: 'The waves on the boat go splash, splash, splash-splash, splash, splash…'" The Albino Pirate waved his hands merrily as he sang, "The waves on the boat go splash, splash, splash aaaalll across the sea!"

"That's a good sing-along." Remarked the Pirate with the Accordion. "But he wants something that can show off that voice of his. Like 'Where Has All the Seaweed Gone'."

_**I…Am…The…Very…Model…Of…A…Personage…Piratical.**_

"Oh, come now, Mr. Bobo." The Captain said with just a hint of scolding. "You know he can't speak properly for hours after doing that one."

"I think I'll try Blue Suede Boots." Charles finally decided. It had a nice beat and he knew it well.

The crew still liked their own choices and probably would have argued about them all day but the conversation was cut short as a pirate from the crowd stepped in among them. He went straight to Charles and threw one hairy hand over the startled scientist's shoulder. "Yer doin' good here, boy!" He said with a smile that was missing several teeth.

Charles managed to wriggle away from him. "Um…thank you?" He said uncertainly.

"Have a drink, boy!" The pirate shoved a large decanter of grog into Darwin's hands.

"I-I really don't…" Charles began but then remembered how everyone had reacted the day before when he had refused grog. He forced a smile. "Thank you."

The Pirate with the Scarf smiled a bit. It seemed that Darwin was growing in popularity. That was what he thought, that is, until he happened to glance to his left and see Black Bellamy at the edge of the crowd. The pirate had a sinister grin and looked as if he ought to have a couple of yellow canary feathers caught in his moustache. This was not an expression he liked on Bellamy at all. He followed the black-mustached pirate's gaze and found that it rested squarely on Darwin. His brows lowered in suspicion then suddenly they shot up nearly into his hat as Darwin lifted the decanter to his lips. "Darwin, STOP!" He lunged toward the little biologist but there was a great deal of crowd between him and the rest of the crew. "Don't let him swallow!"

Mr. Bobo was quick to respond. He leaped onto Charles back and grabbed him by the throat and giving him a sound 'whack' in the back of the head. Darwin choked and managed to spray the majority of the crew with a mouthful of grog. Now, being sprayed with grog was generally a pretty joyous affair. But being sprayed with grog that had previously been in someone else's mouth just wasn't quite as festive.

Charles dropped the cup as he reached up both hands to pull Mr. Bobo's hands from his neck with a desperate gasp.

The Pirate with the Scarf pushed frantically through the crew, who were still trying to wipe the grog from their faces. "You didn't swallow any did you?"

"No." Darwin croaked. He would have been annoyed at the manhandling he had just received but he could see the urgency on the first mate's face.

"What's all this, Number Two?" The Captain asked, sounding a bit put out as he wrung out his beard.

"W…what was it?" Charles asked, staring nervously at the puddle of liquid at his feet as if it might come alive and bite him. "P-poison?"

The Pirate with the Scarf shook his head, looking about for the pirate that had offered Darwin the drink but he had effectively vanished into the crowd. "I'm not sure. But Bellamy was far too happy about you drinking it."

A scruffy looking little dog wandered into the group, its tongue lolling happily. It yapped at them a couple of times in a doggie voice surprisingly loud for its size.

Both the Albino and Surprisingly Curvaceous pirates 'awwwed'.

The dog discovered the puddle of grog and began to gleefully lap at the discarded spirits.

"No! Don't drink that." The Albino pirate cried in alarm, scooping up the little animal into his arms. "It's a bad idea to drink things that are poisoned, especially if they're on the ground."

The pirates watched the little dog intently, waiting for something to happen. But it didn't drop dead or turn green or mutate into some kind of monster. It just sat, panting happily in Albino's arms. They were beginning to wonder if the first mate was wrong until the little thing barked. Well, it tried to bark. Whereas moments ago it had yapped quite loudly, now its little mouth moved but no sound came out.

"Your plan didn't work." Cutlass Liz's full lips quirked in a mocking smile.

"It would have worked _fine_ if it wasn't for that blasted first mate." Bellamy seethed. This should have been easy. But the Pirate Captain was cheating here and so he had to even the odds or preferably tip them in his favor. "I have an idea."

Cutlass held up one tanned hand. "No. You've failed twice already." She said with a bit of contempt creeping into her voice. "It's my turn."

"Alright." He snorted. "Let's see you do better."

Her eyelids lowered and she gave him a slow smile. "I will." With that she turned away from him.

"Hey. What're you going to do?"

She struck a pose and turned a bit, glancing at him over her shoulder. She batted her long dark eyelashes as she pulled her sword from its scabbard. "Talk to the judges."

The crowd cheered as the Pirate King strutted back onto the stage, a bit of toilet paper trailing behind one of his white leather boots. "Pirates!" He threw both arms in the air clearly reviling in the attention of the crowd. "I have been struck with inspiration!"

There was a round of impressed 'ooohs'

The Pirate Captain and his crew listened intently, a sense of foreboding descending upon them.

The Pirate King continued, his big voice vibrating through the cobblestones. "Any lubber can sing a shanty!"

The Pirate with the Scarf shook his head a little, knowing what was coming next. "He's going to change the rules."

Mr. Bobo held up two notecards. _**Uh…Oh…**_

"But can he _create_ a shanty?" The Pirate King continued.

"What?" Darwin squeaked, his mouth falling open in alarm.

"The next test will evaluate both the contestant's performance and creative ability." The burly monarch announced. "He will compose a shanty on the spot and our panel of three judges will determine whether it is truly piratical or a jingle for a landlubber." He motioned to the two pirates and a mermaid who sat in the judges seats just in front of the stage. They waved cheerfully at the crowd.

The audience met the new terms with rowdy enthusiasm.

Charles turned frantically to the Pirate Captain. "He can't do that, can he? Just change the rules like that? I mean, I thought this test was just singing."

"He's the Pirate King." The Pirate with Gout remarked. "He can do anything he wants."

"I can't do this!" Charles cried frantically. "I can't just come up with a song on the spot. I'm not creative!"

"Oh, come now, Chuck. Sure you can. Every pirate can do that."

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not a pirate!"

"Of course you are."

"But I'm not!"

"Listen here, Chuck. Pirates live on pirate ships, right?"

Darwin gave the Captain a cautious look. "Um…yes."

"And you live on a pirate ship, right?"

"Well, yes…currently...but…"

"So according to the strict laws of logic and reason you _must_ be a pirate."

"I..." Charles raised a finger, about to protest but couldn't think of a reply. There was a major flaw in the Captain's reasoning but he just couldn't pinpoint it. He gave up with a sigh.

"We just have to convince everyone else of the fact." With that he shoved the little scientist up the steps and onto the stage.

Charles looked down at the three judges just below him and gave them a nervous little wave. "Heh, heh. Um..hello."

"So, you think you have what it takes to be a shanty singing pirate, so you?" Asked the pirate judge named Simon.

Charles wanted to scream: 'No! I'm here against my will. Why can't you people leave me alone?' But he couldn't. He just stood there wringing his hands and said: "Um…I-I suppose so."

"Well, show us what you got."

Darwin just stared blankly at them, his mind feeling as hollow and empty as his spare specimen jars. He couldn't come up with _anything_!

"Go ahead." The mermaid judge said, making a little shooing motion with her hand. "Don't be nervous."

"Well, go on, Chuck!" Darwin turned to see the Pirate Captain standing near the stage, cheering him on. Polly sat contentedly on his shoulder, watching the proceedings with only mild interest.

Charles turned back to the judges with a forced smile, swinging his arms just a bit as if he really didn't know what to do with them. "Um…okay. Here it goes." And with that he burst into song:

"_There was a pirate had a bird and Polly was her name-o!_

_P-O-L-L-Y, P-O-L-L-Y, P-O-L-L-Y,_

_And Polly was her name-o!"_

As he sang he did a little soft shoe that was all elbows and knees. Then came the second verse.

"_There was a pirate had a bird and Polly was her name-o!_

_*clap* O-L-L-Y, *clap* O-L-L-Y, *clap* O-L-L-Y_

_And Polly was her name-o!"_

"Not bad!" The Pirate Captain remarked, looking extremely proud of his newest crewmember. "Not bad at all! Didn't I tell you he could do it, Number Two!"

The Pirate with the Accordion played along with him, adding a little music to Darwin's song. The Albino Pirate was dancing a little and clapping enthusiastically.

"_There was a pirate had a bird and Polly was her name-o!_

This time some of the audience clapped along with him.

"_*clap, clap* L-L-Y, *clap, clap* L-L-Y, *clap, clap* L-L-Y_

_And Polly was her name-o!"_

At the positive response he was getting Darwin began to gain a little confidence. He danced more enthusiastically and sang a little louder. He had a clean high voice that was easy to sing along to and by the fifth verse the entire square was clapping and singing.

"_*clap, clap, clap, clap, clap*, *clap, clap, clap, clap, clap*, *clap, clap clap, clap, clap*_

_And Polly was her name-oooooooo!"_

There was a round of thunderous applause and the scattered 'boos' were shouted down and thrown from the bleachers. Charles was grinning like an idiot, extremely pleased with himself and quite amazed at the reception he was receiving. He had won this round.

The applause died down and the little scientist faced the three judges.

The Pirate judge named Simon spoke first. "I don't mean to be rude but...That was horrid! Absolutely horrid!"

Charles face fell. The Pirate Captain's crew looked at each other in surprise and the entire audience voiced their disagreement.

But the judge continued undeterred. "I mean I've keelhauled men for shanties like that. Who are you, Mother Goose? Where were the cutlasses, the cannons, the loot? And that jig! What was that? It was like you were in a three penny ballet not on a pirate ship. That is a definite 'no' from me!" He pushed the red button on the table in front of him and a huge sheet unfurled, hanging from the wooden framework behind the stage. On it was painted a giant, red 'X'.

That was one thumbs down. If he got one more he would lose this test. And he was only allowed to lose one. If he failed the test after this he was a dead man. Darwin swallowed hard, glancing nervously over to the pirate crew. The Pirate Captain gave him a big grin and two thumbs up while the Pirate with the Scarf gave him an encouraging nod.

Darwin snapped his attention back to the judges table as the mermaid spoke.

"I thought you were adorable." She said with a little flip of her tail.

The little scientist couldn't keep himself from blushing. "Really?"

"The story could have been more exciting but every pirate loves his parrot and I don't believe I've heard a shanty about one before. And I liked your jig. Shows off those skinny little legs of yours."

Darwin could feel the color rising to his ears and he let out a tiny, self-conscious chuckle as he shuffled his feet.

"I say 'yes'." She pushed a button before her and a sheet with a big green 'O' appeared beside the red 'X'.

The Pirate Captain's crew cheered

The pirate judge who used to be a lifeguard was next. "It didn't rhyme." Was all he said and gave Charles another thumbs down.

The crew gasped.

"They didn't like it?" The Albino Pirate said, looking both worried and confused. "I thought it was good."

"Yes, well, it appears that sinister forces are at work." This time it was the Pirate with Gout who noticed the wink and 'thumbs' up Black Bellamy and Cutlass Liz were giving the two judges.

"Well!" The Pirate King boomed. "Things are getting interesting!"

Charles stood in the middle of the stage looking as if he would very much like to faint.

"That is one loss, lad!" The island's monarch said jovially. "One more and…"

The crowd of pirates began chanting: "Fish bait! Fish bait!"

The Pirate King seemed pleased by this. "Mast Climbing, the next and final test will begin in one hour!"

Pirates began to trickle down out of the bleachers and into the streets. Some off to get a bit of lunch, others simply to stretch those stiff wooden limbs that had been sitting for so long.

The Pirate with the Scarf came up and steered a stunned Darwin off the stage. "Don't worry. Everything will be alright. I'm sure the Captain has another plan."

Charles just gave a little whimper.

"Alright, Captain, what's the plan for 'mast climbing'?" The first mate asked, hoping it would be something that would encourage their 'ship's doctor'.

The Captain fidgeted with the belt buckle at his chest for a moment before confessing. "I-I haven't exactly got one."

The Pirate with the Scarf looked about as stricken as Darwin. "You can't be serious, sir!"

The Captain frowned defensively. "Well, I was counting on Charles to pass that last one!"

Charles moaned, dropped his face in his hands and leaned against the stage. He knew very well how ill-equipped he was for this next test. He was a painfully slow climber and he had a tendency to get his feet caught. He was as good shark bait right now.

"But never fear, Chuck!" The Captain held up an optimistic finger. "I'm sure I can come up with a brilliant plan in an hour!"


End file.
